Advocacy + adventure
Need i say more?
For those whose sense of adventure go beyond personal learning

(reprinted from my old blog, ilikeithere.blogspot.com, 2005. this is exactly how i'm feeling these days. i tell ya, the spirits are good to me ;-) )

Officially, I've lost only 5 pounds since I went gym-ing. I should be screaming my head off at the treadmill but I'm not.

A couple of years ago (maybe 3 years ago), I could lose that blubber in a snap when I wanted to. All I did was just eat more fruits and fiber, say no to soda, rice and red meat. Credit also goes to my family because we've always loved exploring healthier food options. So all that new-age eating wasn't really very hard for me, if and when I wanted to.

Now, no matter what I do, I'm still flabby. For the first time in my life, though, I'm not really minding it. I guess I've come to a point where I'm excited to become the person I'm supposed to become, whoever (and whatever that will be). Sure, I'd still like to be able to fit into my old beloved "thinner" clothes (ack! I miss wearing my pink satin capris!) I lurved to wear circa 2000-2003. But you know, I'm curious (and dang excited) to see what my body and the rest of the world wants to happen =)

I feel more powerful and more womanly than I have in ages. Heck, I feel primitive, and raw, like the original cavewoman. I like this. I like not ascribing to labels of what's sexy and what's not, what's "creative" and what's not, what's "cool" (still hating that word after all these years...don't snort, jon) and what's "dang-that-woman-is-hot". I love being an outsider =)

I used to write in my journals that there is no better way to be than to participate but distance yourself at the same time. That way, you observe, study, analyze and breathe everything in as part of the Big Picture. Most of the time, it's freaking overwhelming. I guess, early on, I set myself up for feeling things immensely (but very quietly and internally, often exploding in other *surprise* areas). It's a kind of draining that I continue to search for and want to happen again, and again, and again. And again. I want to die being completely drained of whatever-that-is. Sneaking in to watch Like Water for Chocolate (despite Not Being Allowed To) when I was 11/12 years old may have something to do with that, too =D

It's ironic and amusing that I want to be drained (not of feeling, but all that repressed, um, "fire", i guess) but don't mind NOT being drained of the physical excess (re: fat, taba, lipids). I’m secretly looking forward to what I’ll be like when I’m 30. Probable crow eyes, thudbutt and all =D I just know that everything in my head and heart will be fucking radiant. All that older, wiser, calmer, more in-tune with nature schtick. Yes, I believe that. Old tree-hugging soul, methinks =)

Join me here in space. It is gorgeous. And it's not really cold, either. It's hazy most of the time but just truly lovely =) This, I think, is the perpetual high.

I cannot and will not be able to stay away from all that delicious cheese so I guess I will just go on waddling contedtedly.

Background Music: Creedence Clearwater Revival: Greatest Hits

But if you do not find an intelligent companion, a wise and well-behaved person going the same way as yourself, then go on your way alone, like a king abandoning a conquered kingdom, or like a great elephant in the deep forest. - Buddha

i was about to write something far more scathing, but i remembered this quote and opted to let it say everything instead. it's like samantha jones (PR) saying, "I love you very much, but I love me more."

the elephant visual is amazing. makes me stand up straighter everytime i feel bad :)

strong. self-sufficient. ancient. wise. simple.

(warning: emo)

i took the title from the first line of what is one of the most underrated DMB songs of all time, Digging a Ditch. it always amazes me how this band can make optimism sound so dark and heavy, like it was coming from a place of injured dignity. love them.

i'm listening to it now as part of a playlist i just created called Karma Comes Around.

after a blockbuster friday, i woke up today--not well-rested but content--and hopped on the interwebs. i may have asked for it because my clicky finger said "no" but my heart said yes. i was also bored, in a good i'm-happy-i've-minimal-things-to-do-today way.

(click click click, surf surf surf, post post post, surf surf surf... oh my.)

i had to take a deep breath. and it's good i've been practicing the past few months. whenever i have to mull over something very unpleasant, i've taken to deep breathing techniques so i don't feel that scary tightness in my chest again while i go through the bad process.

and like i said, i guess i was asking for it. i did something bad a few years ago, and though i tried to rectify it, going so far as to make a fool of myself in the process, it didn't get fixed. i chalked it all up to karma. but as i was getting over that, i was living in fear because i knew karma wasn't done with me yet. and today, with a terrible repercussion of technology, karma hit me its deadliest blow. and in my desperate attempt to look at the bright side, i thought, "whoa, that's it, then! it's finished. the good things can come my way now. i've paid my dues."

my special project will still go on, though. i still have those happy stories to tell. good memories... and although silly me would still like for us to maintain the friendship, i know that, in the interest of self-preservation, it shouldn't become more than that. don't forget the spirit of my gift, okay?

but tonight, i'll weep, and maybe tomorrow, too. but jesus is telling me to be free. and i am now. so i'm going walking.

it's too bad, i really, Really, REALLY did like you. bah, this is what i get for being a big silly girl.

...i just met a girl named speechless.

har har.

what do most people have against someone who chooses to be upbeat and encouraging? or is it "maturity" they want to project?

i am constantly puzzled by people. do they want a monopoly on optimism or something? do their spirits shy away from energy stronger than theirs? i don't see that as a problem because this. is. not. a. contest.

what do most people have against the happy guy?

meron ng para kay Santa dati, higher powers naman ngayon

I first heard of Philip Pullman's His Dark Materials trilogy during my Daniel Craig phase. I learned that he was going to play someone named Lord Asriel and it seemed very macho to me. At first, it was the thought of DC playing another alpha male that got me interested.

So I grabbed a copy of the trilogy and promptly spent lunch breaks poring over chapters of "dust", "energy", and "dark matter". But by the time i read "armored polar bear" by the name of Iorek Byrnison, I was entranced. yes, DC's manliness can only play second fiddle to fluffy, bloody ice mammals with a soft spot for a liar of a little girl.

there's something enchanting about these books, supposedly for children. It's brave, it's subtle, it's well-written. it manages to make some of the more "new age" beliefs tie in with more traditional religions. it's like reading The Celestine Prophecy, only grander yet also simpler.

after a chapter (which is now my favorite) in book two left me weeping, i knew i found a treasure of a book.

(may be a spoiler)
in this chapter, a courageous hare mutters to a lifelong companion, "shame to die with one bullet left, though." And old cowboy Lee Scoresby and his beloved daemon Hester fend off enemies with every last ounce of strength.

i can't can't can't wait for the movie. if it's at least half as intelligent and entertaining a romp as the book, i may forget about DC altogether.

when i bumped into this site a few years ago, i knew i found ideal playmates :D

one of my soulmates, Louie says it best: "kapag naririnig ko yun, parang kinakausap ako ni god". it was yet again one of those soulful conversations that i enjoy so much, and have aplenty when she's around. weird, rambling talks that stray (or evolve?) from the topic of men to that of the path towards complete and utter spiritual freedom. i found it funny, too, when she said it like that, knowing full well she could have just as easily said "the gods", "the goddess", "the bathing swami", or what-have-you.

it's a good song (albeit too popular for my current ego). and i listen to it now and suddenly feel sad yet content. i felt ready to purge. old character traits that defined me, memories, habits, things, friends, junk, favorites, activities, worries, men, fears... whatever i can. right now, i just want to be all-white. not like an angel or anything "holy and right" is divine. just something completely and beautifully blank. someone so devoid of ego that i can be molded into so many things by so many hands. i've been here before, but only very briefly. i will make this one last longer :)

this is another rambling sort of read, and i'm not sure where it will go. i guess i just suddenly remembered the joy of facing life with innocence (not the naive kind), and not just the oft-mentioned courage, boldness, and faith. innocence, i think, is key. no guile, no pretenses, no false humility...just the warmest kind of open-heartedness, a desire to enjoy what's there not because it's on a to-do list, can push an ambition, or contribute to one's perception of oneself.

there's something to be said about living life to the fullest at a breakneck pace. there's also something to be said about savoring each second--prolonging it and holding it in one's hand--not just because it's in the present, but also for the endless possibilities that are only manifest in that particular second, in that particular place and time, and with that particular mindset. it's starting to look a little like some cosmos-changing sort of magic. i think i am all for slowing it down, not the pace of the lifestyle, but the pace at which we rush towards the final determination of who we are. i wonder what Louie would think?

i don't remember when her birthday is. i've always been forgetful of those. but wherever she is right now, i thank the gods and her parents for bringing her into this world. wish you were here, lady, so we can share the view, not from the top, but right at ground zero :) here's to chance occurrences that make a determined friendship.

(Fix You, Coldplay)