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It's a dream I've been nurturing since I started dutifully following Ian Wright's exploits on Lonely Planet. We are now in the year 2008, and that was back in 1998--10 years and still an unrequited love. You wouldn't think I've been harboring such notions just by looking at my grande Starbucks tea frappe and perfectly applied eyeliner.
My friend Eric, whose now in Cambodia, laments the absence of the ubiquitous chain in his new home city, yet he makes me salivate by announcing that massage places litter the streets like 7-11s. I want to visit him in Cambodia, Pats in Singapore, dear Ryan in South Korea, Rony, Gerwin and Charlie in Singapore, life partner Louie, sexy Ems and Lifebunny in Hong Kong, Jon in Spain, Janne in Finland, Donna in the UK, Graeme in Scotland, Dwayne in Indiana, Yas in Dubai, maybe Emi in Romania, Essi wherever she is at the moment...
During the bad in-betweeners of my life, I swung from blaming family and circumstances, to blaming myself--both in highly passionate ways that boggle the mind.
Still, there is a shining nugget I managed to pick up--strength. Life's hell-bent ways gave me tree-trunk-like sea legs, and I want to keep using them.
Now that life is being quite kind and cushy to me, I can't help but look for the imbalance that only a churning ocean can provide. I long for the comfort that I've always found in constant change.
Instead of expecting the unexpected, I don't expect at all. Deal me what cards you will, and with those, I'll play like a loony. I'll probably even wager (and lose) everything, yet find redemption in smiling like a drunken sailor.
In life, I can strategize, plan and mind-f**k like the best of them. But I'd rather I didn't. I really would much prefer to be thrown somewhere and I'll be happy to learn how I'll deal with it. I can't imagine a purer heaven. Give me something and some things never to be defined. Give me the raucous, the sweaty and the revolting. Challenge me in ways that will make me rant and spit and give birth to strange, unwieldy energies.
I have always believed that by traveling, my sea legs will find happiness.
I want to talk to different and differing people, be forced to eat strange food, work for my breakfast...
You know what they say about potential? I can do it, therefore I must do it.
Damn the comfort zone and its accompanying delusions. I am dying to have a taste of the biggest possible perspective by constantly being in motion.
I want to see The Frames live in Ireland, Dave Matthews Band in Virginia and join the Burning Man community at least once. There are also fairy conventions in various part of this weird, wonderful world. Yes, I want to be there, too.
Sometimes, I think I'm too old to start backpacking, Couchsurfing and going on trips that plenty of those half my age have probably already enjoyed. But I reckon I can always lie and say i'm only 27.
Until when shall I keep to where the Starbucks stores are aplenty?
Chris Lindner, with his beautiful head of golden hair, shows us Pinoys how to find happiness from various heights. Sanuk, the sandals-not-shoes, brings the hot sport climbing champ to little ole Pinas for days of rock, surf, food and all-around kasiyahan.
With Pi and Aldwin :) non-highlight: had to buy Very Expensive shorts as my trusty blue ones finally gave up on me. Wala namang swim shorts na okay yung fit sa kin dun sa ukay-ukay sa plaza. deng.
the truth is, i'm not particularly very good at it, but this thing that my friends introduced me to makes me feel like nothing else.
i started surfing in 2005, before la union was as popular and crowded a destination as it is now, but still many years after my friends first got into it. i would probably be a third or even fourth generation model if surfers were marketed like ipods.
generally, i'm pretty resilient but many, many, many things have really started beating on my armor. sometimes, i really do feel there's nothing left for me on this planet, except for trying to take care of my internal organs so someone can make use of them when i can't anymore. and in between seriously considering if i have mononucleosis or, well, that thing that will put you in the 7th circle of dante's hell, is the shining thought of paddling out towards the horizon.
everytime i catch a wave, life feels completely peaceful. i don't have a care in the world but for the speed of the water that's carrying me, the wind on my face, and the shore that's coming up to greet me. then i paddle back out, raise my upper body with every wave i meet, and crash down on the water with the board as my protector. there's nothing more exhilarating than maneuvering myself in a current that's always changing and deserves the utmost respect. the perfect marriage of man and mother earth.
and when the city, with all its unnecessary trappings and misplaced priorities, staggers me with a sense of profound futility, nothing jolts me awake quite like the thought of hopping on that bus and getting ready to greet the water. and i move on with a renewed sense of joy, looking forward to my next surfing trip.
the mighty, mighty water and what it can do to and with you, that's something to worry about, not the rules that the modern world dictates. money, sex, beauty, social image, i don't really care. what would hefty savings and "name" mean if i went through this life an empty shell--cooing over my next gadget or fashion purchase, or worrying too much about money that i've forgotten the richer gift of loving?
and when the story feels like it has gone on too long, has become too tiring, or is going around in circles, an ending seems the best solution. or i can just throw the book out.
and once more, i retain my tenuous hold on the tether to life for just one more ride, or even just one more wipeout. the water--it keeps moving me along :)
there's a debate going on about these two posters (which won a bronze lion at cannes). many think it's gross or scary, others love the retro style and eroticism. i succumb to the latter. instantly thought these were brilliant... and not just because the artist (James Jean) has done some Fables cover art. Enjoy!
what i like most about her is that she'll really share the technique with you. you can tell she just loves to dance and wants other people to be as happy :)
(reprinted from my old blog, ilikeithere.blogspot.com, 2005. this is exactly how i'm feeling these days. i tell ya, the spirits are good to me ;-) )
Officially, I've lost only 5 pounds since I went gym-ing. I should be screaming my head off at the treadmill but I'm not.
A couple of years ago (maybe 3 years ago), I could lose that blubber in a snap when I wanted to. All I did was just eat more fruits and fiber, say no to soda, rice and red meat. Credit also goes to my family because we've always loved exploring healthier food options. So all that new-age eating wasn't really very hard for me, if and when I wanted to.
Now, no matter what I do, I'm still flabby. For the first time in my life, though, I'm not really minding it. I guess I've come to a point where I'm excited to become the person I'm supposed to become, whoever (and whatever that will be). Sure, I'd still like to be able to fit into my old beloved "thinner" clothes (ack! I miss wearing my pink satin capris!) I lurved to wear circa 2000-2003. But you know, I'm curious (and dang excited) to see what my body and the rest of the world wants to happen =)
I feel more powerful and more womanly than I have in ages. Heck, I feel primitive, and raw, like the original cavewoman. I like this. I like not ascribing to labels of what's sexy and what's not, what's "creative" and what's not, what's "cool" (still hating that word after all these years...don't snort, jon) and what's "dang-that-woman-is-hot". I love being an outsider =)
I used to write in my journals that there is no better way to be than to participate but distance yourself at the same time. That way, you observe, study, analyze and breathe everything in as part of the Big Picture. Most of the time, it's freaking overwhelming. I guess, early on, I set myself up for feeling things immensely (but very quietly and internally, often exploding in other *surprise* areas). It's a kind of draining that I continue to search for and want to happen again, and again, and again. And again. I want to die being completely drained of whatever-that-is. Sneaking in to watch Like Water for Chocolate (despite Not Being Allowed To) when I was 11/12 years old may have something to do with that, too =D
It's ironic and amusing that I want to be drained (not of feeling, but all that repressed, um, "fire", i guess) but don't mind NOT being drained of the physical excess (re: fat, taba, lipids). I’m secretly looking forward to what I’ll be like when I’m 30. Probable crow eyes, thudbutt and all =D I just know that everything in my head and heart will be fucking radiant. All that older, wiser, calmer, more in-tune with nature schtick. Yes, I believe that. Old tree-hugging soul, methinks =)
Join me here in space. It is gorgeous. And it's not really cold, either. It's hazy most of the time but just truly lovely =) This, I think, is the perpetual high.
I cannot and will not be able to stay away from all that delicious cheese so I guess I will just go on waddling contedtedly.
But if you do not find an intelligent companion, a wise and well-behaved person going the same way as yourself, then go on your way alone, like a king abandoning a conquered kingdom, or like a great elephant in the deep forest. - Buddha
i was about to write something far more scathing, but i remembered this quote and opted to let it say everything instead. it's like samantha jones (PR) saying, "I love you very much, but I love me more."
the elephant visual is amazing. makes me stand up straighter everytime i feel bad :)
Hawaii was great fun, although i did have a minor accident involving a 20-storey plummet. Good thing the hotel administrators were very helpful. i was trying to pose for a panoramic shot when the wind blew me down, down, down from the 20+ floor to the 4th. Enrie, who was taking my picture, quickly ran down to see if i was alright. the door to the patio where i fell was locked, so she had to call the guard and ask for help to look for me. At first the guard couldn't understand what i looked like and then he found me, looked at Enrie, and said, "is this it?" lovely, hilarious moment :) i'll come back with my surfboard before i die =D
i took the title from the first line of what is one of the most underrated DMB songs of all time, Digging a Ditch. it always amazes me how this band can make optimism sound so dark and heavy, like it was coming from a place of injured dignity. love them. i'm listening to it now as part of a playlist i just created called Karma Comes Around.
after a blockbuster friday, i woke up today--not well-rested but content--and hopped on the interwebs. i may have asked for it because my clicky finger said "no" but my heart said yes. i was also bored, in a good i'm-happy-i've-minimal-things-to-do-today way.
(click click click, surf surf surf, post post post, surf surf surf... oh my.)
i had to take a deep breath. and it's good i've been practicing the past few months. whenever i have to mull over something very unpleasant, i've taken to deep breathing techniques so i don't feel that scary tightness in my chest again while i go through the bad process.
and like i said, i guess i was asking for it. i did something bad a few years ago, and though i tried to rectify it, going so far as to make a fool of myself in the process, it didn't get fixed. i chalked it all up to karma. but as i was getting over that, i was living in fear because i knew karma wasn't done with me yet. and today, with a terrible repercussion of technology, karma hit me its deadliest blow. and in my desperate attempt to look at the bright side, i thought, "whoa, that's it, then! it's finished. the good things can come my way now. i've paid my dues."
my special project will still go on, though. i still have those happy stories to tell. good memories... and although silly me would still like for us to maintain the friendship, i know that, in the interest of self-preservation, it shouldn't become more than that. don't forget the spirit of my gift, okay?
but tonight, i'll weep, and maybe tomorrow, too. but jesus is telling me to be free. and i am now. so i'm going walking.
it's too bad, i really, Really, REALLY did like you. bah, this is what i get for being a big silly girl.
what do most people have against someone who chooses to be upbeat and encouraging? or is it "maturity" they want to project?
i am constantly puzzled by people. do they want a monopoly on optimism or something? do their spirits shy away from energy stronger than theirs? i don't see that as a problem because this. is. not. a. contest.
i've been thinking about the concept of support lately, and about relationships, about trust, responsibility, and letting live.
this whole idea of "living and letting live" isn't all it's cracked up to be because, after a while, people forget the second part of the phrase.
sure, sure. this is a world that rewards those who know how to look out for number one. it's a struggle. and it's a struggle for EVERYONE.
this has been an issue of mine for the looooongest time. why people refuse to do the littlest simplest things for others, but would take the "littlest" things from them, too. do we remember that what we do or don't do can take away another's little freedoms? people like that create a vacuum in the world, taking out a lot of good energy that maybe should be going to those who are truly unfortunate. remember that black holes are like that and can thus implode.
"living and letting live" does mean taking care of yourself. but if you are too ensconced in your own world... defying this reality doesn't mean you have to screw another's, or use people. else, you're just as bad as people you enjoy telling the phrase to. how's that for real conviction?
**************
i'm turning 29 in a few weeks and the fantasy still hasn't changed: live somewhere where nobody knows me. no judgements, no pressure, no mental pollutants, just simple living.
i want a place that is quiet, peaceful, close to nature, and where i can tend nature. i love industry and value how working for something enriches my feeling of accomplishment. so maybe it should be a place where i can tend something i need. i dunno, a little farm, a fishing village? a place where i can be free to enjoy the simple but meaningful fruits of my cheerful labor.
