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It's a dream I've been nurturing since I started dutifully following Ian Wright's exploits on Lonely Planet. We are now in the year 2008, and that was back in 1998--10 years and still an unrequited love. You wouldn't think I've been harboring such notions just by looking at my grande Starbucks tea frappe and perfectly applied eyeliner.
My friend Eric, whose now in Cambodia, laments the absence of the ubiquitous chain in his new home city, yet he makes me salivate by announcing that massage places litter the streets like 7-11s. I want to visit him in Cambodia, Pats in Singapore, dear Ryan in South Korea, Rony, Gerwin and Charlie in Singapore, life partner Louie, sexy Ems and Lifebunny in Hong Kong, Jon in Spain, Janne in Finland, Donna in the UK, Graeme in Scotland, Dwayne in Indiana, Yas in Dubai, maybe Emi in Romania, Essi wherever she is at the moment...
During the bad in-betweeners of my life, I swung from blaming family and circumstances, to blaming myself--both in highly passionate ways that boggle the mind.
Still, there is a shining nugget I managed to pick up--strength. Life's hell-bent ways gave me tree-trunk-like sea legs, and I want to keep using them.
Now that life is being quite kind and cushy to me, I can't help but look for the imbalance that only a churning ocean can provide. I long for the comfort that I've always found in constant change.
Instead of expecting the unexpected, I don't expect at all. Deal me what cards you will, and with those, I'll play like a loony. I'll probably even wager (and lose) everything, yet find redemption in smiling like a drunken sailor.
In life, I can strategize, plan and mind-f**k like the best of them. But I'd rather I didn't. I really would much prefer to be thrown somewhere and I'll be happy to learn how I'll deal with it. I can't imagine a purer heaven. Give me something and some things never to be defined. Give me the raucous, the sweaty and the revolting. Challenge me in ways that will make me rant and spit and give birth to strange, unwieldy energies.
I have always believed that by traveling, my sea legs will find happiness.
I want to talk to different and differing people, be forced to eat strange food, work for my breakfast...
You know what they say about potential? I can do it, therefore I must do it.
Damn the comfort zone and its accompanying delusions. I am dying to have a taste of the biggest possible perspective by constantly being in motion.
I want to see The Frames live in Ireland, Dave Matthews Band in Virginia and join the Burning Man community at least once. There are also fairy conventions in various part of this weird, wonderful world. Yes, I want to be there, too.
Sometimes, I think I'm too old to start backpacking, Couchsurfing and going on trips that plenty of those half my age have probably already enjoyed. But I reckon I can always lie and say i'm only 27.
Until when shall I keep to where the Starbucks stores are aplenty?
LeRoi Moore, saxophonist of my one and only Dave Matthews Band, has diedunexpectedly of complications from an ATV accident that happened last June.
i have never seen them live. and now he's dead. i am so seriously sad. i want to cry. i don't want to believe this has happened. sorry, drama. but it's LeRoi. DMB won't be the same. i don't know what to say or do or think. i am grieving over a musician who helped form a big part of who i am. #41, still my favorite song in the world now, won't be the same, ever.
it's on my list of life dreams to see them live...
i will go in this way, and find my own way out... why won't you run into the rain and play? let the tears splash all over you.
rest in peace, o dreadlocked one. thank you. Thank You. THANK YOU. for making music that matters and saves lives.
the last of my kuyas to get married. the ceremony and the reception was much like kuya ricky, no fuss, no muss. kung kaya ni kuya ricky humabol, kaya ko din ;-) pero mag-a-adventures muna 'ko :)
when "oh this looks an episode on fear factor" popped into my head, i knew my brain was kicking in. Still, it was not until it issued the imperative "Danger. Let it go" when i finally released my hold on my handbag.
i would like to say i was tenacious, a fighter, but the hindsight that i could have died, as well as the throbbing of some wounds and bruises, would say i was being stupid. i hope my younger siblings read this and think "That really was a stupid thing to do, ate".
Still, i can't fault my instinct. That was the first thing it wanted to do in those first few seconds, to go all "oh no, you don't!" and keep pulling at my handbag's strap even though i was aware of being dragged across the ground at motorcycle speed...against the flow of traffic on zobel roxas. My friend was right when she said, "you know, you'll never really know what you can and will do until you're actually faced with a certain situation."
i always said i'd just give up my things if i get mugged. and i was surprised to know that my instinct, and a little part of my conscious self, was not to, pala. that was what really made my heart throb extra hard a few hours later, that there were a few seconds when i was consciously just not letting go, still fighting. some of the similar muggings in my area involve riders with guns or metal tubes to hurt their victims. what if this dude had a gun? i would have been very easy to shoot, and fatally, being the quite large and noticeable buntot of their little ride. upon reflecting on it later, i also realized that, should there have been a parked car that obstructed my legs in those first few "stupid" seconds while i was in angry mode, my instinct would have been to pull very hard and make the second rider fall off. but what if he does fall off yet manage to pull something on me before i could escape? i pride myself on being relatively brave, but not on being foolhardy. jesus christ.
no, i'm not blaming myself. there's really no one to blame for people who'd rather hurt others than take on an honest job, even if it's just powering pedicabs (the drivers were actually one of the first people by my side, apart from ate josie who shouted so loud to alert everyone when she saw me fall). i'm just surprised at my not-so-smart initial reaction to something like this. i hope my instincts know better next time.
obviously, i don't think i'll get over this for a while, and i'm still very, Very nervous to step out of my house as it happened just right at the corner from where i live, i had a companion and it was 8am. i'm actually quite careful and aware because these people are always roaming our streets. apparently, even that is not enough to be safe from these lazy bastards. may they be raped by a gang of hyperactive carabaos (thanks, roj!). then may the tusks of ornery elephants find their way to anal crevices ideally used for pleasure. then may somebody bash their faces so bad they look like the love child of gollum and ephialtes. but then may they still retain full function of their johnsons so they feel a profound pain when absolutely no one will touch them.
apart from what seems like minor injuries, the damage includes my dear mobile phone (which doesn't deserve this treatment), my digital camera (replaceable), my wallet with official IDs and bank cards (alerted and blocked, except for official IDs that i still have to work on). what i consider the greatest loss is my little notebook with the Gustav Klimt painting on the cover. that had all my ideas, some writing, plans, passwords (already changed), dreams, favorite things, etc. I'm still crying about this, but i would be lying if i said trauma wasn't thrown in there somewhere.
later in the evening while i was praying before bedtime, i apologized to my body and said "i'm sorry i put you through that, but thank you for letting go. i'll take better care of you, okay?" i'm just happy that, at some point, the more powerful part of my brain COMMANDED my body to let it go. there was, honestly, a little part that wanted to hold on because it believed i could still win. i'm happiest that my body followed the other part of my brain. i think that was my Guardian Angel's doing. and i keep breathing a sigh of relief that somebody, something, released my hands' grip before either the thieves hurt me with something or a car ran me over. Thank God, indeed. Thank you, God. THANK. YOU. GOD. boy does he know what he's doing. whew.
now i have to push myself to still go about my normal life, even though my heart is hammering at the thought of stepping past our gate. but i have to, else i'd have lost more than my bag and what was in it. today's a sunday and the wounds on my feet (not so bad, actually, but there were thin layers of flesh that got removed) are throbbing like anything. it could be because i decided to still push through with my recital last night because i needed something to smile about. now That is the right kind of courage.
somebody said after seeing me perform, "parang akala mo wala lang nangyari sa 'yo ah." i went all batman (frank miller-style) and said, "it's a simple matter of telling your body to turn that grimace of pain into an extra wide on-stage smile."
(as a request, can you just pray for my family? :D i had some bank info in there and i'm afraid they may think we have money or something and do something worse than robbing just me. thank you :) )
Dad's a history buff and it was funny to have the guides approach us and say "guided tour po, may kasamang history", eh my dad knows so much more than they do.
(reprinted from my old blog, ilikeithere.blogspot.com, 2005. this is exactly how i'm feeling these days. i tell ya, the spirits are good to me ;-) )
Officially, I've lost only 5 pounds since I went gym-ing. I should be screaming my head off at the treadmill but I'm not.
A couple of years ago (maybe 3 years ago), I could lose that blubber in a snap when I wanted to. All I did was just eat more fruits and fiber, say no to soda, rice and red meat. Credit also goes to my family because we've always loved exploring healthier food options. So all that new-age eating wasn't really very hard for me, if and when I wanted to.
Now, no matter what I do, I'm still flabby. For the first time in my life, though, I'm not really minding it. I guess I've come to a point where I'm excited to become the person I'm supposed to become, whoever (and whatever that will be). Sure, I'd still like to be able to fit into my old beloved "thinner" clothes (ack! I miss wearing my pink satin capris!) I lurved to wear circa 2000-2003. But you know, I'm curious (and dang excited) to see what my body and the rest of the world wants to happen =)
I feel more powerful and more womanly than I have in ages. Heck, I feel primitive, and raw, like the original cavewoman. I like this. I like not ascribing to labels of what's sexy and what's not, what's "creative" and what's not, what's "cool" (still hating that word after all these years...don't snort, jon) and what's "dang-that-woman-is-hot". I love being an outsider =)
I used to write in my journals that there is no better way to be than to participate but distance yourself at the same time. That way, you observe, study, analyze and breathe everything in as part of the Big Picture. Most of the time, it's freaking overwhelming. I guess, early on, I set myself up for feeling things immensely (but very quietly and internally, often exploding in other *surprise* areas). It's a kind of draining that I continue to search for and want to happen again, and again, and again. And again. I want to die being completely drained of whatever-that-is. Sneaking in to watch Like Water for Chocolate (despite Not Being Allowed To) when I was 11/12 years old may have something to do with that, too =D
It's ironic and amusing that I want to be drained (not of feeling, but all that repressed, um, "fire", i guess) but don't mind NOT being drained of the physical excess (re: fat, taba, lipids). I’m secretly looking forward to what I’ll be like when I’m 30. Probable crow eyes, thudbutt and all =D I just know that everything in my head and heart will be fucking radiant. All that older, wiser, calmer, more in-tune with nature schtick. Yes, I believe that. Old tree-hugging soul, methinks =)
Join me here in space. It is gorgeous. And it's not really cold, either. It's hazy most of the time but just truly lovely =) This, I think, is the perpetual high.
I cannot and will not be able to stay away from all that delicious cheese so I guess I will just go on waddling contedtedly.
thanks, pi, for the book lend. i haven't inhaled a book this quickly since His Dark Materials. and i have to say i am addicted. oh what a wonderful saturday it is to spend the whole day with a book. haven't done that in ages and what a reward it is.
the book is twilight by stephanie meyer, and i won't be surprised if i'm the last one to be on to it. like any good geek, i did the rounds of googledom and youtubeia and discovered that the book has been enjoying good buzz since it first came out in 2005. thank god it's a saga and there are apparently three more (or more, please? yes?) delectable reads to "suck" me in further.
basic premise: quiet bella is a newcomer at a rainy little town. as she adjusts to school and all the other concerns of a teenager, she finds herself observing a group of five kids--the Cullens. one particular Cullen (name of Edward) catches her attention as he glares at her so violently on day one. eventually, she discovers the reason for this Cullen's reactions: the smell of her blood is particularly delicious to him. the problem is, they are a family of vampires who have resolved never to drink human blood, and he is also attracted to her as a person. and well, bella, has fallen for him, too.
if it was possible to lick a book, i'd have licked twilight. but it's not mine. writer stephanie meyer did a tight job. i thought this was all very "teenaged" and i didn't have a problem enjoying the seeming shallowness. i haven't felt this "kilig" in ages. imagine, wanting to be with someone so badly but he can kill you with a twitch of his finger. worse is, he wants the same thing you do. aaargh!!!
i guess what really attracted me to the book is the whole "you can't always get what you want" aspect of it, or at least you can't get it the way you want it. i dunno, this theme always speaks to me. that life is never perfect but you can keep believing and trying.
and i have to say, i enjoyed it as much as my ultra-favorite "for younger ones" novel, Island of the Blue Dolphins by Scott O' Dell. i still find IBD so meaningful, but like any good vampire victim, i can't resist the attraction to the dark romance. the tension! OH. MY. GOD. The Tension! jesus, what a turn-on. i had to text pi while reading it. damn. it's all about the dangerous, forbidden fruit, control and, yeah, that mushy thing. gaaaah, i have to stop gushing now, it's getting silly.
APPARENTLY, there is a movie coming out this december. who plays beautiful Edward? Cedric Diggory, that's who. double damn.
okay, now the question is, where do i find a vampire to suck my neck? swoon.
(review upcoming as soon as i remember to breathe)
i've been thinking about the concept of support lately, and about relationships, about trust, responsibility, and letting live.
this whole idea of "living and letting live" isn't all it's cracked up to be because, after a while, people forget the second part of the phrase.
sure, sure. this is a world that rewards those who know how to look out for number one. it's a struggle. and it's a struggle for EVERYONE.
this has been an issue of mine for the looooongest time. why people refuse to do the littlest simplest things for others, but would take the "littlest" things from them, too. do we remember that what we do or don't do can take away another's little freedoms? people like that create a vacuum in the world, taking out a lot of good energy that maybe should be going to those who are truly unfortunate. remember that black holes are like that and can thus implode.
"living and letting live" does mean taking care of yourself. but if you are too ensconced in your own world... defying this reality doesn't mean you have to screw another's, or use people. else, you're just as bad as people you enjoy telling the phrase to. how's that for real conviction?
**************
i'm turning 29 in a few weeks and the fantasy still hasn't changed: live somewhere where nobody knows me. no judgements, no pressure, no mental pollutants, just simple living.
i want a place that is quiet, peaceful, close to nature, and where i can tend nature. i love industry and value how working for something enriches my feeling of accomplishment. so maybe it should be a place where i can tend something i need. i dunno, a little farm, a fishing village? a place where i can be free to enjoy the simple but meaningful fruits of my cheerful labor.
a belated Christmas visit reveals how Kuya Eric's project home is turning out very, very well. i look pretty stupid with a baby, so laugh if you will (hmph). the dog's super cute, too!
*when i'm a forty-year-old woman with 10 dogs for companions, i hope none of my friends think it sad.
*from high school til college, i was SURE i was going to be journalist. i'm still barely grazing the field.
*yesterday, our belly dancing teacher told the class to try and go for the energy of my hip-twist-drop. i didn't tell her it just looked good because i have big hips ;-)
*my sister is going to be home from boston tomorrow. we told her to bring home snow. i think she's going to. this makes me laugh.
*sometimes, you really just to let it all out. someone did Hey Jude at videoke the other day. he sounded more like james hetfield. it worked.
*i have a LOT of growing up to do. sometimes, being a super late bloomer has its advantages. often, though, you're playing catch-up at an ever increasing pace. i think it's going to go past 105kph on a suburbs lane this year.
*i can count on one hand the number of real friends that i have, but i have quadruple that number in laughing buddies. fair enough :)
*you know that feeling we used to get when we were teenagers? when you look at your high school sweetheart and know without question it's right? wouldn't it be awesome to feel that sort of naive certainty again?
gah. maybe i should just get back to bed. goodnight.
right before 12 midnight yesterday, i found my dearly beloved Best of Van Morrison CD inside the jewel case of Chungking Express. oh joy! it's been missing for more than a year so i played it and i played it. and i never threw out it's original case. shows you what optimism can do, eh?
unfortunately, i also seem to have lost my copy of Layer Cake (Daniel Craig pre-Bond) and THE CITY OF LOST CHILDREN. i think it's less challenging to get a copy of Layer Cake, but COLC! imagine my dismay. so if i loaned The City of Lost Children to any of you, please let me know. That movie matters the world to me. It has Ron Perlman in a sweater that slowly unravels. Thank you.
